1 00:00:07,887 --> 00:00:09,878 Oh! 2 00:00:12,807 --> 00:00:14,763 Ow! 3 00:00:14,927 --> 00:00:17,521 Oh, that's better. 4 00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:24,236 (SPIKE READS THE DISCLAIMER) 5 00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:29,042 (PHONE TRILLS) 6 00:01:29,207 --> 00:01:30,845 Hello? 7 00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:36,843 No, no, you can't come round. I'm watching a BBC video. 8 00:01:39,069 --> 00:01:42,061 (THUNDERCLAP) 9 00:01:49,429 --> 00:01:54,549 (EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT) When I pull the lever, you will walk. 10 00:01:58,909 --> 00:02:00,706 Walk! 11 00:02:03,309 --> 00:02:05,186 Walk! 12 00:02:05,349 --> 00:02:06,987 Walk! 13 00:02:11,509 --> 00:02:15,218 No, it will not work! 14 00:02:15,389 --> 00:02:17,857 (WOMAN) Walkies! 15 00:02:20,469 --> 00:02:22,505 (SCREAMS) 16 00:02:26,149 --> 00:02:28,140 Fetch! 17 00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:31,067 Heel. 18 00:02:33,229 --> 00:02:34,708 Heel! 19 00:02:34,869 --> 00:02:37,508 Sit! Down! Heel! 20 00:02:37,669 --> 00:02:40,661 - Don't! - Cut! 21 00:02:40,829 --> 00:02:46,745 That was a preview of Kenneth Branagh's latest masterpiece, "Frankenstein, My Lovely." 22 00:02:46,909 --> 00:02:51,425 Starring that man of many parts, Sir Spike Milligan, OBE, 23 00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:55,582 DFC, DEC and bar, and feeding bottle. 24 00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,979 Here we are outside the home of the grand old man 25 00:03:00,149 --> 00:03:03,459 of radio, stage, screen, and BBC2. 26 00:03:03,629 --> 00:03:07,508 Old, infirm and unable to walk, Spike now lives alone 27 00:03:07,669 --> 00:03:13,141 with only his happy memories of what it was once like to work for the BBC to comfort him. 28 00:03:13,309 --> 00:03:17,985 Too frail to come to us, we have come at great expenses...expense 29 00:03:18,149 --> 00:03:23,621 the 263 miles from our studios in west London to his home here in Bayswater. 30 00:03:23,789 --> 00:03:28,340 Soon, Spike's nurse will be gently rousing him from his slumbers 31 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:33,378 and we'll be looking back at some memorable moments from his long career. 32 00:03:33,549 --> 00:03:35,540 Before we do that... 33 00:03:35,709 --> 00:03:39,179 (LONG STRANGLED CRY) 34 00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:42,102 (CRASHING) 35 00:03:42,269 --> 00:03:44,260 I believe Spike is waking. 36 00:03:44,429 --> 00:03:47,978 First, we'll take a look at some old news footage, 37 00:03:48,149 --> 00:03:52,939 which reveal to us why the name Spike Milligan means so little to the BBC. 38 00:03:53,909 --> 00:03:55,900 (MUSIC: BBC NEWSREEL THEME) 39 00:04:12,109 --> 00:04:18,981 There was great excitement in Poona at the news of the birth of Terence Alan Milligan, 40 00:04:19,149 --> 00:04:22,425 the son of an army captain with a flair for drama 41 00:04:22,589 --> 00:04:26,104 and India's first woman with her own milk-round. 42 00:04:26,269 --> 00:04:31,389 At an early age, the ambitious young Terence - known to his friends as sahib - 43 00:04:31,549 --> 00:04:37,818 emigrated to England, where he volunteered to help fight the war against Hitler. 44 00:04:37,989 --> 00:04:43,347 In the army, Terence discovered he had a talent which would make him famous - 45 00:04:43,509 --> 00:04:46,979 but his career as a page-three model came to an end 46 00:04:47,149 --> 00:04:50,698 when tin baths were requisitioned to make bombs. 47 00:04:50,869 --> 00:04:55,067 After the war, Terence became a well-known figure in Hyde Park 48 00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:58,426 and became known thereafter as "Spike". 49 00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:03,583 It was in Hyde Park that the BBC, mistaking him for Sir Winston Churchill out for a jog, 50 00:05:03,749 --> 00:05:07,219 asked Spike for his views on the general election. 51 00:05:07,389 --> 00:05:11,302 My whole outlook to comedy has been based upon tragedy. 52 00:05:11,469 --> 00:05:16,304 It only becomes comic after the tragedy has occurred. 53 00:05:16,469 --> 00:05:19,825 I suppose today, Nelson... 54 00:05:19,989 --> 00:05:26,622 at the time of the battle of Traf-al-gar, or Trafalgar is you're Raymond Glendenning, 55 00:05:27,629 --> 00:05:30,462 you'd never think twice about doing a sketch 56 00:05:30,629 --> 00:05:34,542 about Nelson's blind eye, his arm chopped off and Lady Hamilton, 57 00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:39,737 but if you'd been standing on the deck at the Battle of Trafalgar, 58 00:05:39,909 --> 00:05:43,504 it wouldn't have occurred to you that anything was comic. 59 00:05:43,669 --> 00:05:48,265 But since then, I suppose Nelson's become a figure of ridicule. 60 00:05:48,429 --> 00:05:54,982 You can't go to any satire in London without somebody doing a joke about Nelson's... 61 00:05:55,149 --> 00:05:59,427 About the hat of Nelson being whitened by pigeons... 62 00:05:59,589 --> 00:06:02,023 There was a verse I made up about that. 63 00:06:02,189 --> 00:06:06,740 "'Tis due to pigeons that alight On Nelson's hat that makes it white." 64 00:06:07,749 --> 00:06:11,344 Inspired by the stark beauty of the park and its trees, 65 00:06:11,509 --> 00:06:14,307 Spike began to write poetry. 66 00:06:14,469 --> 00:06:18,667 "I'm not frightened of pussycats They only eat up mice and rats 67 00:06:18,829 --> 00:06:23,061 "But a hippopotamus Could eat the lot of us." (GROWLS) 68 00:06:23,229 --> 00:06:28,428 Soon he was invited to join other poets at poetry readings in the park. 69 00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:33,105 They chopped down a 300-foot tree to make a chair - I bought one. 70 00:06:33,269 --> 00:06:37,148 When I stand up, I'm five foot, eleven and a half. 71 00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:40,301 When I sat in this chair, I was four foot three. 72 00:06:40,469 --> 00:06:45,702 Did they really chop down a 300-foot tree to make me look shorter? 73 00:06:46,349 --> 00:06:48,704 A vice that was new and unsavoury 74 00:06:48,869 --> 00:06:52,464 Held a vicar named Lavery in slavery 75 00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:55,701 Amidst lecherous howls He would bugger young owls 76 00:06:55,869 --> 00:06:58,429 Which he kept in an underground aviary. 77 00:06:58,589 --> 00:07:01,023 (LAUGHTER) 78 00:07:01,189 --> 00:07:03,828 Determined to become an international success, 79 00:07:04,789 --> 00:07:07,428 Spike became a country-and-western singer. 80 00:07:07,589 --> 00:07:12,743 81 00:07:12,909 --> 00:07:16,219 But Perry Como copied his style and got there first. 82 00:07:18,029 --> 00:07:22,386 Devastated, Spike spent the next 15 years listening to the classics. 83 00:07:22,549 --> 00:07:28,340 Bix Beiderbecke playing, "Somebody Stole Meine Girl." 84 00:07:28,509 --> 00:07:30,784 (BRASS BAND MUSIC) 85 00:07:30,949 --> 00:07:34,498 Then he got the idea which would make him famous 86 00:07:34,669 --> 00:07:38,457 He would play his records and let the public perform. 87 00:07:38,629 --> 00:07:43,305 He called it a "disco" after the washer that fell off the winding handle. 88 00:07:44,109 --> 00:07:49,581 Soon Spike was touring, playing his gramophone, making personal appearances 89 00:07:49,749 --> 00:07:52,627 and signing paper models of his records. 90 00:07:52,789 --> 00:07:57,704 Commissioned by BBC Television to write an adventure series, 91 00:07:57,869 --> 00:08:01,145 Spike invited his friend Peter Sellers to join him. 92 00:08:01,309 --> 00:08:07,703 A strike by postmen at TV Centre meant that the show had to be made without scenery. 93 00:08:07,869 --> 00:08:11,145 (GIRLISH GIGGLE) 94 00:08:11,309 --> 00:08:13,106 - Eccles... - Yes. 95 00:08:13,269 --> 00:08:18,263 Let us play a game and push him down the well. 96 00:08:18,429 --> 00:08:20,499 - Yeah. - Oh... 97 00:08:20,669 --> 00:08:26,460 - Aaagh... - (HOLLOW SPLASH) 98 00:08:27,429 --> 00:08:29,989 He's fallen in the water. 99 00:08:31,429 --> 00:08:36,947 Now really famous, Spike was invited to appear on the Michael Parkinson show 100 00:08:37,109 --> 00:08:38,940 with other big stars. 101 00:08:39,109 --> 00:08:45,059 Can we talk a little about your singing? You have a very dramatic style of singing. 102 00:08:45,229 --> 00:08:48,301 Not always. I'm very naughty and dirty. 103 00:08:48,469 --> 00:08:50,425 See you later, sister. 104 00:08:52,429 --> 00:08:54,818 - She was surprised. - I was. 105 00:08:54,989 --> 00:09:00,222 Did you hear that? She was surprised. Yes, a surprise, yes. 106 00:09:00,389 --> 00:09:04,382 I suppose I wasn't surprised at your first clip. 107 00:09:04,549 --> 00:09:07,859 - My father gave me my first clip. - Not that clip. 108 00:09:09,109 --> 00:09:13,148 - Let's have a look at the first clip. - Yes. 109 00:09:13,309 --> 00:09:18,099 (COMMENTATOR) This is why Australia have never had the opportunity 110 00:09:18,269 --> 00:09:20,339 of their back row. 111 00:09:21,429 --> 00:09:24,944 I'm not quite sure who this fellow plays for, 112 00:09:25,109 --> 00:09:31,264 but Ken Bailey has exerted his authority and the situation is restored to normal. 113 00:09:33,269 --> 00:09:35,260 Spike? 114 00:09:35,429 --> 00:09:39,627 That's why I like rugby. You don't get this in other places. 115 00:09:39,789 --> 00:09:44,101 - You get it at the cricket. - But they don't have boobs like that. 116 00:09:44,269 --> 00:09:50,822 - She was smoking, though, which you dislike. - I was smoking when I saw her, actually. 117 00:09:53,149 --> 00:09:56,266 - One last clip. - One last clip please. 118 00:09:56,429 --> 00:10:01,264 (COMMENTATOR) This is why Australia have never had the opportunity 119 00:10:01,429 --> 00:10:03,420 of their back row. 120 00:10:05,309 --> 00:10:10,383 There you have a picture of Spike Milligan - actor, poet and birdwatcher. 121 00:10:10,549 --> 00:10:12,858 Let's go inside and meet him. 122 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:16,988 (CHIMES OF BIG BEN) 123 00:10:27,909 --> 00:10:33,620 Spike has no idea whatsoever that we're coming here today to film him, 124 00:10:33,789 --> 00:10:37,577 so this is going to come as a total surprise. 125 00:10:37,749 --> 00:10:40,741 (HUM OF VOICES) 126 00:10:42,229 --> 00:10:46,302 This is Spike Milligan - actor, author, poet, 127 00:10:46,469 --> 00:10:51,748 successful righter of wrongs, songwriter, comedian and now video-cassette star. 128 00:10:51,909 --> 00:10:56,107 We're here to pay tribute to your career in entertainment. 129 00:10:56,269 --> 00:11:00,342 Oh! What a surprise. 130 00:11:00,509 --> 00:11:02,420 BBC, you say? 131 00:11:02,589 --> 00:11:04,102 (SPITS) 132 00:11:04,269 --> 00:11:08,262 (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) 133 00:11:10,549 --> 00:11:13,621 (MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS) 134 00:11:19,029 --> 00:11:24,501 That's the trouble with the BBC - none of the parts work. Won't keep you long. 135 00:11:24,669 --> 00:11:30,346 - What do you think you're doing? - We're trying to start the show...sailor. 136 00:11:30,509 --> 00:11:33,228 - Is it Colditz? - No, it's one of ours. 137 00:11:33,389 --> 00:11:36,540 - Give us a shove. - But it's not zis commercial muck? 138 00:11:36,709 --> 00:11:39,348 - No, it's BBC muck! - Good! 139 00:11:39,509 --> 00:11:43,787 - (ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND ROARS) - Right, that's it! Get 'em in! 140 00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:51,468 Get in, you Schweins, and enjoy yourselves! 141 00:11:51,629 --> 00:11:56,145 And now, folks, a demonstration of knife-throwing. 142 00:11:56,589 --> 00:11:59,740 And now fork-throwing! 143 00:11:59,909 --> 00:12:03,618 Spoon-throwing! And table-throwing! 144 00:12:04,829 --> 00:12:09,425 Our bags between our knees... 145 00:12:09,589 --> 00:12:12,057 - Harry! - Yes, dear? 146 00:12:12,229 --> 00:12:16,461 - Hurry up. We'll be late! - Be down in a jiff! 147 00:12:16,629 --> 00:12:19,905 148 00:12:20,069 --> 00:12:23,061 149 00:12:39,229 --> 00:12:41,697 Good evening, madam. 150 00:12:44,269 --> 00:12:48,581 - Oh...sir. I'm sorry. Sir. - Good evening. 151 00:12:48,749 --> 00:12:54,904 I'm from the Sub-Aqua Anti-Pollution League and I'm sorry to disturb you, 152 00:12:55,069 --> 00:12:59,426 but did you know that our precious offshore waters are in dire peril? 153 00:12:59,589 --> 00:13:02,626 - I wasn't aware... - Of course you weren't... 154 00:13:02,789 --> 00:13:06,623 - You stupid fool! - What do you expect me to do about it? 155 00:13:06,789 --> 00:13:12,785 Do? It's you and others like you washing your grotty parts in the bath 156 00:13:12,949 --> 00:13:18,342 that are fouling our precious natural heritage with dirty bathwater! 157 00:13:18,509 --> 00:13:21,501 - Littlehampton! - I'm not! 158 00:13:27,789 --> 00:13:33,261 Littlehampton is seriously polluted and the number nine oyster bed has been wiped out. 159 00:13:33,429 --> 00:13:37,422 The warning has been given to you. It's been on your telly! 160 00:13:37,589 --> 00:13:40,057 You've read it in your newspapers! 161 00:13:40,229 --> 00:13:45,064 And now I and the Vigilante League are bringing the word into your home! 162 00:13:45,229 --> 00:13:50,223 - What do you want me to do? - I beg of you to give me your support. 163 00:13:56,629 --> 00:13:59,143 National truss. 164 00:13:59,309 --> 00:14:02,426 What I meant, sir, was money. 165 00:14:02,589 --> 00:14:05,387 Give and give till it hurts, sir. 166 00:14:05,549 --> 00:14:11,260 - Well...there. - You bruise easily, sir. Did that hurt? 167 00:14:12,109 --> 00:14:16,625 Thank you, sir. You're a white man, sir - or you soon will be - 168 00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:22,341 and when the last all-clear has sounded, your name will be writ large on the coral. 169 00:14:22,509 --> 00:14:24,500 Good night, sir. 170 00:14:27,469 --> 00:14:30,347 Hurry up, Harry! 171 00:14:30,509 --> 00:14:33,706 I'm sorry, dear. There was an interruption. 172 00:14:36,189 --> 00:14:38,703 (BANGING) 173 00:14:40,109 --> 00:14:41,940 Come in. 174 00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:53,581 - Good evening, sir. - Good evening, officer. 175 00:14:53,749 --> 00:14:55,740 Officer Crapper... 176 00:14:58,549 --> 00:15:01,746 ...of the sewage patrol, sir. 177 00:15:01,909 --> 00:15:07,381 We're looking for a man called Pontius Cack - a rather nasty conman. 178 00:15:07,549 --> 00:15:10,586 Have you seen him? He looks rather like me. 179 00:15:10,749 --> 00:15:15,664 - As a matter of fact, there was someone... - Gave him some money, did you? 180 00:15:15,829 --> 00:15:17,865 - Yes. - What kind of money? 181 00:15:18,029 --> 00:15:23,342 - Like this. - This is the money we'll need for evidence. 182 00:15:23,509 --> 00:15:27,787 - Yes, I understand. - You'll be hearing from us. Good night. 183 00:15:37,029 --> 00:15:39,020 By the way, sir... 184 00:15:40,389 --> 00:15:44,905 ...I should get a strong mortice lock put on that lid. 185 00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:48,584 Click-clunk. You know it makes sense. 186 00:15:50,469 --> 00:15:55,702 Miss Jelly-Clench? Could you turn slowly towards me? 187 00:15:55,869 --> 00:15:58,144 And raise your right arm. 188 00:15:59,069 --> 00:16:01,583 Like that. Thank you. 189 00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:06,578 "She turned slowly towards me..." 190 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:13,308 (SONG: MOURNFUL VERSION OF "DANNY BOY") 191 00:19:22,549 --> 00:19:24,779 (APPLAUSE) 192 00:19:48,149 --> 00:19:51,983 Those happy sounds of idiot laughter, hammering and banging, 193 00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:54,743 are, in fact, the happy sounds 194 00:19:54,909 --> 00:19:59,061 of idiot laughter, hammering and banging. 195 00:19:59,229 --> 00:20:04,178 They belong to England's only idiot scout troop. 196 00:20:04,349 --> 00:20:06,943 They all joined when they were seven 197 00:20:07,109 --> 00:20:13,787 and have failed every knot-tying test, woodcraft and fire-lighting test. 198 00:20:13,949 --> 00:20:17,578 But such was their enthusiasm 199 00:20:17,749 --> 00:20:24,063 that Lord Baden-Powell did not have the heart to tell them. 200 00:20:24,229 --> 00:20:30,543 Strangely enough, this year they have shown remarkable powers of recovery. 201 00:20:30,709 --> 00:20:33,985 They can now dress themselves. 202 00:20:34,869 --> 00:20:38,862 Let us go inside and speak with their senior Sixer. 203 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:40,860 (GRAMOPHONE) 204 00:20:41,029 --> 00:20:44,499 205 00:20:44,669 --> 00:20:48,025 206 00:20:57,989 --> 00:21:00,981 (IN "STUPID" VOICE) I... I am... 207 00:21:01,149 --> 00:21:04,778 Lord Baden... Um... Powell. 208 00:21:05,789 --> 00:21:08,906 (AS HUGHIE GREEN) What a wonderful memory for names, folks. 209 00:21:09,069 --> 00:21:14,541 Now, tell me this, sir - who are these gentlemen hanging from the beams? 210 00:21:14,709 --> 00:21:17,701 They're learning to untie knots. 211 00:21:18,509 --> 00:21:22,388 They're getting knotted. Isn't that wonderful? 212 00:21:23,389 --> 00:21:25,857 - And what's this over here? - Ow! 213 00:21:26,029 --> 00:21:28,020 These scouts... 214 00:21:28,509 --> 00:21:30,465 Ow! 215 00:21:32,269 --> 00:21:36,262 - Ow! - These scouts have solved the problem 216 00:21:36,429 --> 00:21:40,900 of putting jigsaw pieces together that don't fit. 217 00:21:44,029 --> 00:21:46,497 What's this over here? 218 00:21:46,669 --> 00:21:50,139 - Well, your Majesty... - What's this? 219 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:53,142 I'll get this. I'll get this... 220 00:21:54,389 --> 00:22:00,737 That...is one of the cups that we drink out of. 221 00:22:02,269 --> 00:22:05,545 And why is he smashing them? 222 00:22:05,709 --> 00:22:09,179 Because he don't know how to wash up. 223 00:22:10,189 --> 00:22:15,217 Really wonderful. Tell me, sir, why is this gentleman over here... 224 00:22:15,389 --> 00:22:20,258 - Why is he mending them? - We can't afford new ones. 225 00:22:21,149 --> 00:22:23,663 It's really wonderful, it really is. 226 00:22:23,829 --> 00:22:28,584 Yes. This is the advanced Mensa class, your Majesty. 227 00:22:28,749 --> 00:22:31,980 And now, a brain test. 228 00:22:32,149 --> 00:22:35,778 Gilly gilly gilly, port time. 229 00:22:35,949 --> 00:22:41,103 Which one of those coconuts is the piano under? 230 00:22:47,029 --> 00:22:49,668 - That one. - No. 231 00:22:49,829 --> 00:22:52,343 It's under this one. 232 00:22:53,349 --> 00:22:55,988 Ha-ha ha-ha-ha. 233 00:22:56,149 --> 00:23:02,827 Now then, we have great difficulty in remembering tunes in this class, 234 00:23:02,989 --> 00:23:10,577 but we have mastered the note of G, and using that, your Majesty, we will sing, 235 00:23:10,749 --> 00:23:14,742 Ralph Reader's "Riding Along On the Christopher." 236 00:23:23,749 --> 00:23:27,901 (ALL ON ONE NOTE) 237 00:23:28,069 --> 00:23:32,187 238 00:23:32,349 --> 00:23:36,183 239 00:23:36,349 --> 00:23:39,227 240 00:23:39,389 --> 00:23:44,179 So, with this sort of youthful enthusiasm and ingenuity, 241 00:23:44,349 --> 00:23:47,182 Baden-Powell can rest in his grave. 242 00:23:51,629 --> 00:23:55,099 - What's this? - Those are the sea scouts. 243 00:24:32,269 --> 00:24:37,787 Now, in that selection... Spike? Excuse me? Mr Milligan? 244 00:24:37,949 --> 00:24:39,940 - Oh... - Spike? 245 00:24:40,109 --> 00:24:47,504 Oh...unfriendly bosom gives promise of pneumatic beast! 246 00:24:47,669 --> 00:24:53,346 Quite. In that selection of sketches from the early episodes of the "Q" series, 247 00:24:53,509 --> 00:24:56,307 there did seem to be a lot of naked ladies. 248 00:24:56,469 --> 00:24:57,902 Yes. 249 00:24:58,069 --> 00:25:01,505 Did that cause you any problems at the BBC? 250 00:25:01,669 --> 00:25:05,457 Yes. Quite a bit of trouble at home as well. 251 00:25:05,629 --> 00:25:10,498 Specifically, at the BBC, did you encounter disapproval of management? 252 00:25:10,669 --> 00:25:15,538 No. They were OK. The trouble was with the staff. 253 00:25:15,709 --> 00:25:21,864 As soon as they knew we had a topless woman to film, 254 00:25:22,029 --> 00:25:26,898 suddenly all the staff seemed to have vital jobs in the studios. 255 00:25:27,069 --> 00:25:33,178 You couldn't move for mechanics, electricians, cleaners... 256 00:25:33,349 --> 00:25:39,424 Cleaners, electricians, carpenters and, of course, topless ladies. 257 00:25:40,349 --> 00:25:42,340 (DOOR CREAKS) 258 00:25:42,509 --> 00:25:46,218 Ah, Piles! Thank you. 259 00:25:46,909 --> 00:25:50,379 - Cheers. - No, not for me, thank you. 260 00:25:52,229 --> 00:25:57,462 - That's a Chateau Siphon 1889. - Really? What's it like? 261 00:25:57,629 --> 00:25:59,620 Bloody awful. 262 00:25:59,789 --> 00:26:03,304 - Let's look at some more sex. - Where is it? 263 00:26:04,469 --> 00:26:08,462 (SQUEALING, SLAPPING AND SNORTING) 264 00:26:10,469 --> 00:26:13,939 (SIGHING AND SHOUTING) 265 00:26:14,909 --> 00:26:16,900 (LAUGHTER) 266 00:26:20,669 --> 00:26:22,739 Ready? Take aim... 267 00:26:24,789 --> 00:26:26,268 Fire! 268 00:26:31,909 --> 00:26:33,945 And now the late news. 269 00:26:34,109 --> 00:26:36,907 To be precise, an hour late. 270 00:26:37,069 --> 00:26:39,344 (LAUGHTER) 271 00:26:49,629 --> 00:26:53,668 The Department of Energy say that by the year 2000, 272 00:26:53,829 --> 00:26:57,060 England could run out of Arabs. 273 00:26:58,549 --> 00:27:02,781 The Arts Council are to subsidise the National Youth Orchestra 274 00:27:02,949 --> 00:27:05,588 to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth. 275 00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:10,982 Good news for Bing Crosby fans - Tom Jones has broken his neck. 276 00:27:12,909 --> 00:27:17,699 And pop star Dee Denny, who married Mary Lee last week, are to be separated. 277 00:27:17,869 --> 00:27:22,863 Someone is going to chuck a bucket of cold water over them. 278 00:27:24,429 --> 00:27:27,865 That's all from us for tonight. Goodnight. 279 00:27:28,029 --> 00:27:31,066 (NEWS THEME PLAYS) 280 00:27:41,109 --> 00:27:43,703 This Sunday... 281 00:27:44,509 --> 00:27:47,740 ...the third after Pontefract... 282 00:27:48,749 --> 00:27:53,220 ...the parable of the Good Samaritan... 283 00:27:53,789 --> 00:27:59,307 ...will be read by Police Constable Sergeant... 284 00:28:04,469 --> 00:28:09,338 (MONOTONE VOICE) And I sayeth unto you... Evening all. 285 00:28:12,229 --> 00:28:17,781 And it come to pass that a man - Jewish, five foot three... 286 00:28:22,309 --> 00:28:27,019 He was proceeding along the Jerusalem-Jericho highway. 287 00:28:29,789 --> 00:28:33,225 But he exceeded not the speed limit. 288 00:28:34,589 --> 00:28:39,822 Then he pulleth up, for he had need of a bush. 289 00:28:42,229 --> 00:28:45,983 An offence that can bring a fine and 30 days. 290 00:28:46,749 --> 00:28:53,587 There springed out on him three thieves who beated out of him the crap. 291 00:28:55,629 --> 00:28:59,304 And verily he flaketh out. 292 00:29:01,269 --> 00:29:06,297 Then came night - lighting-up time 7.23... 293 00:29:07,029 --> 00:29:09,941 and the snow falleth on him. 294 00:29:10,109 --> 00:29:14,899 And verily by morning, thou could strike matches on them. 295 00:29:22,429 --> 00:29:28,379 And many travellers, seeing him, passed by on the outside lane... 296 00:29:29,309 --> 00:29:32,984 ...saying he must be...as a newt. 297 00:29:36,669 --> 00:29:42,107 But there cometh a Samaritan, and seeing him flaked out, 298 00:29:42,269 --> 00:29:47,263 he bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and vinegar. 299 00:29:47,429 --> 00:29:50,899 And the victim screameth, sayeth... 300 00:29:52,949 --> 00:29:56,419 "Hast thou never heard of Elastoplast?" 301 00:29:59,229 --> 00:30:00,947 Then... 302 00:30:02,229 --> 00:30:06,347 Then the Samaritan setteth him upon his own ass... 303 00:30:08,069 --> 00:30:11,539 Registration RU 1-2. 304 00:30:12,629 --> 00:30:14,984 And he taketh him... 305 00:30:17,709 --> 00:30:22,385 And he taketh him to an inn where they had a good night. 306 00:30:23,909 --> 00:30:28,983 On the morrow, he giveth the innkeeper tuppence, 307 00:30:29,149 --> 00:30:33,062 which was later brought up in evidence against him. 308 00:30:33,229 --> 00:30:35,220 Evening all. 309 00:31:37,709 --> 00:31:41,907 - That's a tourist trap. - You rang? 310 00:31:42,069 --> 00:31:43,582 - What? - You rang. 311 00:31:43,749 --> 00:31:46,866 No, you twit. That was the bell. 312 00:31:47,029 --> 00:31:50,101 People don't go round ringing. 313 00:31:50,269 --> 00:31:55,901 No. I wish to complain about the luxury three pounds for 20 days, 314 00:31:56,069 --> 00:31:58,981 lost in the Bermuda Triangle holiday. 315 00:31:59,149 --> 00:32:02,141 - Why? What went wrong? - Everything. 316 00:32:02,309 --> 00:32:06,302 For a start, she didn't disappear without trace. 317 00:32:06,469 --> 00:32:11,338 - Did you, Rita? - Rita?! My name's Molly! 318 00:32:11,509 --> 00:32:14,979 Of course. I was thinking about her. Thinks. 319 00:32:18,069 --> 00:32:21,948 You don't want the Bermuda Triangle, you want the eternal one. 320 00:32:22,109 --> 00:32:27,467 I've booked three times for her to disappear without trace in the Bermuda Triangle 321 00:32:27,629 --> 00:32:32,657 and each time she comes back to me at the laundromat like a homing sock. 322 00:32:32,829 --> 00:32:37,345 - Oh, yes? - Oh, yes? That's no bleeding good! 323 00:32:37,509 --> 00:32:43,618 I want to get rid of her. Look at her. She's got a face like a dog's bum with a hat on. 324 00:32:48,749 --> 00:32:54,221 No. Listen. I want you to guarantee to get rid of her without trace. 325 00:32:54,389 --> 00:32:57,187 Then I can go back to her. Thinks. 326 00:32:59,109 --> 00:33:03,785 Married women are not allowed to disappear unless they are accompanied. 327 00:33:03,949 --> 00:33:06,747 I'll get Mrs Mills to play for her. 328 00:33:06,909 --> 00:33:08,900 (HUMS) 329 00:33:16,949 --> 00:33:22,467 No. It must be the husband or whoever oils the bed springs. 330 00:33:22,629 --> 00:33:24,665 The bed springs? 331 00:33:24,829 --> 00:33:26,820 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) 332 00:33:26,989 --> 00:33:32,905 I've got to get rid of her. I've had ten years of hell, followed by 40 of marriage. 333 00:33:33,909 --> 00:33:36,946 There's nothing left of me below the waist. 334 00:33:39,429 --> 00:33:41,943 I got photographs to prove it. 335 00:33:42,109 --> 00:33:45,704 Very well. I will sacrifice myself and go with her. 336 00:33:45,869 --> 00:33:49,862 But, first, a farewell song to my love. Thinks. 337 00:33:51,109 --> 00:33:54,101 338 00:33:57,469 --> 00:34:01,667 (GERMAN ACCENT) Another two for the Bermuda Triangle? 339 00:34:01,829 --> 00:34:05,902 Molly, he's a foreigner. Keep your frock over your knees. 340 00:34:06,069 --> 00:34:09,618 Yes. Voulez-vous disappear without trace? 341 00:34:09,789 --> 00:34:13,782 Ja! Ein foreigner, my dear. Keep your hand on it. 342 00:34:15,229 --> 00:34:19,666 I disappeared on mein submarine. You too? 343 00:34:19,829 --> 00:34:24,619 No, not me. I never was on submarines. I had bad feet. 344 00:34:25,629 --> 00:34:30,703 I was upping my submarine, come the signal from the Führer, 345 00:34:30,869 --> 00:34:35,704 "Stop upping! The war for you is over! 346 00:34:36,989 --> 00:34:39,708 "Vanish without trace." 347 00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:42,337 - Cigarette? - Nein. 348 00:34:42,509 --> 00:34:44,625 Greedy swine. 349 00:34:50,869 --> 00:34:52,666 Say... 350 00:34:54,189 --> 00:34:56,703 - Tommy Atkins. - Tommy Atkins? 351 00:34:56,869 --> 00:35:00,782 Why you have to go so far from England for your disasters? 352 00:35:00,949 --> 00:35:03,941 We don't get the sun with our disasters. 353 00:35:04,109 --> 00:35:07,146 When you pull them out, they're white and pasty. 354 00:35:07,309 --> 00:35:11,746 But my brother Lord Rothermere, he was run over by a tram in Argentina. 355 00:35:11,909 --> 00:35:17,666 When they dragged him out, he was lovely and brown - except where the wheels went. 356 00:35:17,829 --> 00:35:23,620 How can you talk about parties when here we are lost in the Bermuda Trongle? 357 00:35:23,789 --> 00:35:26,906 - What's he on about? - Da-aaaaa! 358 00:35:27,069 --> 00:35:31,620 Da-da-da-da-da! My God! The ground is coming up too fast! 359 00:35:32,629 --> 00:35:35,905 - What's the matter with him? - Bomb, bomb, bomb the flak! 360 00:35:36,069 --> 00:35:38,458 Damn that flak! Aargh! 361 00:35:38,629 --> 00:35:43,623 Junkers 88 at ten o'clock! Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla! Uurgh! 362 00:35:43,789 --> 00:35:46,906 Sorry to interrupt your overacting. 363 00:35:47,069 --> 00:35:50,982 - You don't know me. - God has been good to me. 364 00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:54,619 - Has he? - Deirdre. Thinks. 365 00:35:57,469 --> 00:36:03,305 His thinks boobs look very much like my own dearest's thinks boobs. 366 00:36:04,309 --> 00:36:06,618 She can't have four. 367 00:36:07,629 --> 00:36:12,180 Ahoy, me hearties! Hello, Jim boy! 368 00:36:12,349 --> 00:36:15,864 Tickets, please. Disaster tickets, please. 369 00:36:16,029 --> 00:36:20,022 It's Long-John Saliva - the spitting image of his dad. 370 00:36:21,829 --> 00:36:24,502 - I want to get off. - Oh, really? 371 00:36:24,669 --> 00:36:28,298 - Off this triangle thing. - Avast this lubber! 372 00:36:28,469 --> 00:36:33,941 I can't avast my lubbers any more. I've got nothing left below the waist. 373 00:36:34,109 --> 00:36:40,105 Well, avast this lubber, then! No one gets off the Bermuda Disappear Triangle 374 00:36:40,269 --> 00:36:46,265 until book sales have reached five million, and we've only just passed two million. 375 00:36:46,429 --> 00:36:49,660 Pull yourself together, Tommy Atkins! 376 00:36:49,829 --> 00:36:54,141 We will all zink. Zink together. 377 00:36:54,309 --> 00:36:58,825 378 00:36:58,989 --> 00:37:03,346 379 00:37:03,509 --> 00:37:07,184 (ECHOING) 380 00:37:07,349 --> 00:37:10,227 381 00:37:10,389 --> 00:37:12,380 Very strange. 382 00:37:13,469 --> 00:37:16,063 Hello. This is Tango. 383 00:37:16,229 --> 00:37:21,622 Reporting the sound of "God Save the Queen" coming up a drain hole in Catford. 384 00:37:21,789 --> 00:37:25,907 - What does it mean? - That you're pissed and off the forceI 385 00:37:26,069 --> 00:37:30,221 The Bermuda Triangle claims another victim. Freeze-frame. 386 00:37:31,789 --> 00:37:34,781 20 years of searching, Dr Squallicle. 387 00:37:40,149 --> 00:37:44,779 It's her! It's... Cleopatra! 388 00:37:44,949 --> 00:37:47,144 Oh, Cleopatra. 389 00:37:51,589 --> 00:37:54,387 - We're too late. - You mean...? 390 00:37:54,549 --> 00:37:56,938 She's dead. 391 00:38:10,909 --> 00:38:13,264 Yes! I'm rich! 392 00:38:16,629 --> 00:38:21,339 I do not understand it. It's only done 8,000 yards. 393 00:38:21,509 --> 00:38:23,818 My God! Bert, look! 394 00:38:24,749 --> 00:38:28,901 - Here comes the Queen! - What are we going to do? 395 00:38:39,589 --> 00:38:44,902 Yes. Supercover. Another idea from Milligan's freeze-frame. 396 00:38:45,869 --> 00:38:50,897 Next week sees the opening of the new German opera season at Covent Garden. 397 00:38:51,069 --> 00:38:54,141 Here is a preview of what you will see. 398 00:38:55,189 --> 00:38:58,659 (TRAD JAZZ) 399 00:39:04,629 --> 00:39:09,578 there's a most accomplished fellow 400 00:39:09,749 --> 00:39:14,664 and his voice is warm and mellow 401 00:39:14,829 --> 00:39:19,459 and everybody knows it 402 00:39:19,629 --> 00:39:24,464 his flute, he simply blows it 403 00:39:27,069 --> 00:39:29,663 (BLOWS RASPBERRY IN TUNE) 404 00:39:29,829 --> 00:39:31,820 405 00:39:31,989 --> 00:39:34,139 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 406 00:39:34,309 --> 00:39:37,107 407 00:39:37,269 --> 00:39:41,547 you've got to admit it's cute 408 00:39:41,709 --> 00:39:44,018 409 00:39:44,189 --> 00:39:46,703 - (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - 410 00:39:46,869 --> 00:39:49,099 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 411 00:39:49,269 --> 00:39:51,624 412 00:39:51,789 --> 00:39:56,579 - (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - 413 00:39:56,749 --> 00:40:01,664 Apples, plums and the old raspberries 414 00:40:01,829 --> 00:40:05,788 - (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - 415 00:40:11,269 --> 00:40:16,502 he never wastes a minute 416 00:40:16,669 --> 00:40:21,345 where he sings just like a linnet 417 00:40:21,509 --> 00:40:26,264 it's great, you can't deny it 418 00:40:26,429 --> 00:40:31,423 I'd like you all to try it 419 00:40:33,749 --> 00:40:35,819 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 420 00:40:36,029 --> 00:40:38,702 421 00:40:38,869 --> 00:40:41,064 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 422 00:40:41,229 --> 00:40:43,663 423 00:40:43,829 --> 00:40:48,505 you've got to admit it's cute 424 00:40:48,669 --> 00:40:51,103 425 00:40:51,269 --> 00:40:54,102 - (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - 426 00:40:54,269 --> 00:40:55,782 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 427 00:40:55,949 --> 00:40:58,383 428 00:40:58,549 --> 00:41:03,339 - (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - 429 00:41:03,509 --> 00:41:05,818 430 00:41:05,989 --> 00:41:09,140 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 431 00:41:09,309 --> 00:41:12,381 432 00:41:32,749 --> 00:41:35,138 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 433 00:41:35,309 --> 00:41:39,097 - - (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 434 00:41:39,269 --> 00:41:42,784 435 00:41:42,949 --> 00:41:47,864 Apples, plums and the old raspberries 436 00:41:48,869 --> 00:41:52,179 - (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - 437 00:41:52,349 --> 00:41:55,659 (BLOWS LONG RASPBERRY) 438 00:41:58,709 --> 00:42:00,700 (APPLAUSE) 439 00:42:02,429 --> 00:42:05,421 No, thank you, Piles. It's bloody awful. 440 00:42:06,709 --> 00:42:12,898 Music plays a very important part in your programmes and, indeed, in your own life. 441 00:42:13,069 --> 00:42:17,540 - Are you musical yourself? - Oh, yes. Listen to this. 442 00:42:17,709 --> 00:42:20,701 (WHISTLES BADLY) 443 00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:25,379 - See? - Yes. 444 00:42:25,549 --> 00:42:31,067 What I meant was, you have had considerable success as a songwriter. 445 00:42:31,229 --> 00:42:35,108 - "The Ying Tong Song" comes to mind. - Yes, it comes to mind. 446 00:42:35,269 --> 00:42:39,979 Sometimes it comes to my right knee, but mostly it comes to mind. 447 00:42:40,149 --> 00:42:43,141 (ECHOING SINGING) 448 00:42:43,309 --> 00:42:46,745 Keep up, lad 449 00:42:46,909 --> 00:42:50,299 ying tong iddle I po, lad 450 00:42:50,469 --> 00:42:53,427 iddle I po... 451 00:42:53,589 --> 00:42:58,822 It's delightful. Now, "The Ying Tong Song" was a huge hit 40 years ago, 452 00:42:58,989 --> 00:43:01,628 but it doesn't get played much these days. 453 00:43:01,789 --> 00:43:06,988 Andrew Lloyd-Webster thinks I plagiarised one of his songs 454 00:43:07,149 --> 00:43:09,902 from "The Phantom of the Woolwich Tram Shed." 455 00:43:10,069 --> 00:43:13,061 - That's a pity. - It's pitiful. 456 00:43:13,229 --> 00:43:16,221 (MOUTHS) 457 00:43:18,029 --> 00:43:19,906 What was that? 458 00:43:20,069 --> 00:43:26,258 That was "Don't Cry For Me, Phantom of the Opera in the Woolwich Tram Shed." 459 00:43:26,429 --> 00:43:28,704 I didn't hear anything. 460 00:43:28,869 --> 00:43:33,101 We can't afford to sing it on video. 461 00:43:33,269 --> 00:43:38,024 - Isn't that going to be a problem? - No. It's going to be a relief. 462 00:43:38,189 --> 00:43:40,749 I believe that you sing... 463 00:43:40,909 --> 00:43:43,469 (MOUTHS) 464 00:43:43,629 --> 00:43:50,182 ...in this next sketch, which features an unlikely appearance by Michael Parkinson. 465 00:43:50,349 --> 00:43:54,786 - How did that come about? - Well, it's the result of a liaison 466 00:43:54,949 --> 00:43:58,385 - between his mother and father. - Yes. 467 00:43:58,549 --> 00:44:03,623 I meant, how did it come about that Michael Parkinson appeared in your series? 468 00:44:03,789 --> 00:44:06,781 - He's not an actor. - No. 469 00:44:06,949 --> 00:44:12,865 We needed someone with a good suit and he had one. 470 00:44:13,029 --> 00:44:17,545 It was very expensive. We had to be very careful with it. 471 00:44:17,709 --> 00:44:22,578 He had a deposit on it... but we brushed that off. 472 00:44:22,749 --> 00:44:29,427 Now, how about a rousing chorus of "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina"? 473 00:44:29,589 --> 00:44:32,581 (SILENCE) 474 00:44:34,629 --> 00:44:38,019 (SPEEDED UP VERSION OF "PARKINSON" THEME) 475 00:44:40,629 --> 00:44:43,746 Welcome to another Michael Parkinson show. 476 00:44:43,909 --> 00:44:47,345 I'm only on it because my name's the same. 477 00:44:47,509 --> 00:44:51,661 Well, that and the girl with the big boobs. 478 00:44:51,829 --> 00:44:55,902 I gave Spike Milligan £50 to get the dressing-room next to her, 479 00:44:56,069 --> 00:44:59,778 and spent another £50 on a Black and Decker. 480 00:44:59,949 --> 00:45:04,500 I'd better get on with this rubbish. What does it say here? 481 00:45:04,669 --> 00:45:06,785 "Stand up." OK. 482 00:45:06,949 --> 00:45:12,740 Good evening. It is a great honour... to appear with a man like Spike Milligan. 483 00:45:12,909 --> 00:45:19,144 I'm outside the wonderful "Grenadier Guards Soldier Armour Massage and Sauna Club." 484 00:45:25,149 --> 00:45:26,468 Good evening. 485 00:45:26,629 --> 00:45:31,942 I'm now inside the wonderful "Soldier Armour Massage and NAAFI Club"... 486 00:45:32,109 --> 00:45:34,418 Who wrote this crap? 487 00:45:34,589 --> 00:45:40,186 - Cigarettes? Matches? Hello, Parky. - Hello, sailor. 488 00:45:40,349 --> 00:45:43,580 (GRUFF VOICE) You know who I am? 489 00:45:43,749 --> 00:45:47,742 - No. - Dave Lodge. I was in "Cockleshell Heroes." 490 00:45:49,469 --> 00:45:51,027 'Ere... 491 00:45:52,029 --> 00:45:55,499 I'm only doing this for the readies. Look out. 492 00:45:55,669 --> 00:45:57,785 Cigarettes? Matches? 493 00:45:59,629 --> 00:46:02,541 Keep the cheeks together! 494 00:46:03,589 --> 00:46:06,387 Keep that 10p in place. 495 00:46:11,869 --> 00:46:14,747 Good evening, darling. 496 00:46:14,909 --> 00:46:20,188 I'm your hat check girl, Sergeant Sandy McNabs, VC, DSO, MM. 497 00:46:20,349 --> 00:46:23,341 That's a funny way to spell McNabs. 498 00:46:28,349 --> 00:46:31,261 I'll do the funnies in the show, Parky. 499 00:46:31,429 --> 00:46:35,217 Now, darlin', I am your bunny for the evening. 500 00:46:36,229 --> 00:46:37,708 But... 501 00:46:41,789 --> 00:46:45,941 But you are not allowed to touch any erogenous zones. 502 00:46:46,109 --> 00:46:49,146 You don't get any opportunity knockers, 503 00:46:49,309 --> 00:46:52,665 but as compensation, I want you to say when. 504 00:46:52,829 --> 00:46:55,297 (AIR HISSES) 505 00:47:01,309 --> 00:47:03,106 - All right? - Beautiful. 506 00:47:03,269 --> 00:47:07,945 All the boob gags in this show are written by Neil Shand. 507 00:47:14,429 --> 00:47:17,865 You're Michael Parkinson, aren't you? 508 00:47:18,029 --> 00:47:23,467 You're here because you're after the girl with the big boobs. Spoilsport! 509 00:47:24,909 --> 00:47:26,979 Your arm's broken. 510 00:47:29,669 --> 00:47:34,789 - Does he know his bra's on back to front? - He's all right. He's twisted. 511 00:47:34,949 --> 00:47:37,668 It's twist or bust. 512 00:47:40,109 --> 00:47:43,863 - I'll never appear on your show again. - I'll see to that. 513 00:47:44,029 --> 00:47:48,500 Now then, it is time for your cabaret. Stand by, lads. 514 00:47:48,669 --> 00:47:51,706 Ready? One, two, three...hey! Thank you. 515 00:47:54,389 --> 00:47:55,708 Din... 516 00:47:55,869 --> 00:48:00,067 We interrupt this programme for an official BBC interruption. 517 00:48:00,229 --> 00:48:02,060 Sir! 518 00:48:09,509 --> 00:48:12,865 Good evening, Mr Parking-Toll. A mug of wine? 519 00:48:13,029 --> 00:48:16,419 Thank you. That's very kind. What year is it? 520 00:48:16,589 --> 00:48:21,140 1979, sir. It's on top of all the newspapers. 521 00:48:21,309 --> 00:48:23,300 Milk and sugar? 522 00:48:29,869 --> 00:48:32,861 It's his own suit. Watch out. 523 00:48:38,389 --> 00:48:44,703 You're a thing of such exquisite beauty, enchantment and charm. 524 00:48:44,869 --> 00:48:47,667 I find it difficult to believe you're a man. 525 00:48:48,749 --> 00:48:53,425 What's difficult to believe? That you've forgotten your lines? 526 00:48:53,589 --> 00:48:55,227 I haven't. 527 00:48:55,389 --> 00:49:00,782 Say after me, "I also find it difficult to believe what I'm saying." Camera three. 528 00:49:02,709 --> 00:49:07,225 I find it difficult to believe I'm saying these sodding lines. 529 00:49:11,189 --> 00:49:17,708 I assure you that this is a man and I shall give you the full-frontal test. Go! 530 00:49:17,869 --> 00:49:20,429 (DRUM ROLL) 531 00:49:24,229 --> 00:49:29,223 Hairy legs. Hairy legs. That had you worried, didn't it? 532 00:49:29,389 --> 00:49:34,702 - It had us all worried. - You had a nasty flash during rehearsal. 533 00:49:34,869 --> 00:49:37,463 Showed his ploughman's lunch. 534 00:49:37,629 --> 00:49:44,467 This is lovely boring Bob Todd, first-class topless waitress and Centurion tank driver. 535 00:49:44,629 --> 00:49:48,622 - Does he get extra for being topless? - Yes. Double pneumonia. 536 00:49:48,789 --> 00:49:51,781 - It's better than "Double Your Money." - Sir! 537 00:49:51,949 --> 00:49:57,387 - That is the cue for my second song. - What queue? I don't see a queue? 538 00:49:57,549 --> 00:50:00,017 Don't try to top me, Mr Parker-sol. 539 00:50:00,189 --> 00:50:05,058 One of these days, you'll run out of guests on your TV show, and then what? 540 00:50:05,229 --> 00:50:07,868 Back to the "Northern Echo" again. 541 00:50:08,029 --> 00:50:12,898 Giving kids 20p to break windows so you could write a story! 542 00:50:13,069 --> 00:50:18,507 - What about the bird with the boobs? - What's this about you and Gene Kelly? 543 00:50:21,109 --> 00:50:24,579 Right, Private Shand, Scots Guards. Fall in! 544 00:50:24,749 --> 00:50:29,379 - Left, right. - Couldn't you find the soap? 545 00:50:29,549 --> 00:50:34,987 It's the Blackwatch. Who wrote that line about Gene Kelly and him? 546 00:50:35,149 --> 00:50:38,698 - I did, Sarge. - Tell the audience how it happened. 547 00:50:38,869 --> 00:50:44,148 Yes. I said to Spike, I've got this marvellous idea for you and Mike Parkinson. 548 00:50:44,309 --> 00:50:49,667 You say, "What's all this I hear about you and Gene Kelly?" It'll get a smashing laugh. 549 00:50:49,829 --> 00:50:54,505 It didn't get a smashing laugh. You say it to him like I said it. 550 00:50:54,669 --> 00:50:57,741 What's this I hear about you and Gene Kelly? 551 00:51:01,589 --> 00:51:05,138 One more time, please. 552 00:51:05,309 --> 00:51:08,665 What's this I hear about you and Gene Kelly? 553 00:51:08,829 --> 00:51:13,459 One more time, please. Keep going. I know it's going to be... 554 00:51:13,629 --> 00:51:19,625 - What's all this I hear...? - Sorry, I came in too soon then. 555 00:51:19,789 --> 00:51:24,226 You say it one more time and I'll wait. Off you go. 556 00:51:24,389 --> 00:51:27,187 What's this I hear about you and Gene Kelly? 557 00:51:27,349 --> 00:51:29,499 - Finished? - Yes. 558 00:51:29,669 --> 00:51:34,140 Don't think the line's getting the laugh, it's the custard pies. 559 00:51:34,309 --> 00:51:37,938 They get bigger laughs when they're trying to flog 'em. 560 00:51:38,109 --> 00:51:41,545 We have to end the sketch because it's in his hooter. 561 00:51:41,709 --> 00:51:45,099 - What about the bird? - She's in room 69. 562 00:51:45,269 --> 00:51:47,385 - 69? - Yes. 563 00:51:47,549 --> 00:51:50,586 You'll find the appliances on the sideboard. 564 00:51:50,749 --> 00:51:53,422 (APPLAUSE) 565 00:52:01,509 --> 00:52:06,025 Good evening. All around this great country, comics are dying. 566 00:52:06,189 --> 00:52:11,786 They're dying on stage, in clubs, theatres, on my show, and even in bus queues. 567 00:52:11,949 --> 00:52:14,383 The trouble is a shortage of jokes, 568 00:52:14,549 --> 00:52:18,224 so if you have any jokes, no matter how old, send them to... 569 00:52:24,269 --> 00:52:27,739 And help save an old comic from dying. 570 00:52:37,309 --> 00:52:41,621 Just in case you didn't get that, here it is again. 571 00:52:49,549 --> 00:52:53,064 (JOLLY MUSIC AND APPLAUSE) 572 00:52:55,749 --> 00:52:59,264 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and I mean that most sincerely. 573 00:52:59,429 --> 00:53:05,026 Welcome to the "Idiot of the Year Show." Can I have a big hand for the lovely Julia? 574 00:53:05,189 --> 00:53:07,180 (CANNED APPLAUSE) 575 00:53:09,909 --> 00:53:13,060 Believe me, she needs a big hand. 576 00:53:13,229 --> 00:53:15,789 Julia, who is our first contestant? 577 00:53:15,949 --> 00:53:19,942 Our first contestant, Hughie, is Mr Pogue Mahone. 578 00:53:20,109 --> 00:53:22,669 Big hand for Pogue Mahone. 579 00:53:22,829 --> 00:53:25,024 (APPLAUSE) 580 00:53:25,789 --> 00:53:28,587 (IRISH ACCENT) Hello, Mr Farkinson. 581 00:53:32,349 --> 00:53:37,139 - I see you're wearing a Cambridge tie. - Yes. 582 00:53:39,669 --> 00:53:42,422 - You were in Cambridge? - Yes, sir. 583 00:53:42,589 --> 00:53:46,138 - What did you do? - I was buying a tie. 584 00:53:46,709 --> 00:53:49,269 - Is absolutely correct. - (CANNED APPLAUSE) 585 00:53:49,989 --> 00:53:54,858 Pogue, I understand that the subject you've chosen is "Great Builders." 586 00:53:55,029 --> 00:53:59,068 - That's right, sir. - That's the correct answer. 587 00:53:59,229 --> 00:54:02,778 All right, the second part of that question. 588 00:54:02,949 --> 00:54:06,498 I'd like you to name two famous builders. 589 00:54:06,669 --> 00:54:08,899 That's easy! 590 00:54:09,069 --> 00:54:12,061 - Answer it, then. - That's not easy. 591 00:54:12,229 --> 00:54:17,747 Seriously, Pogue, listen carefully, we'd like you to name two great builders. 592 00:54:17,909 --> 00:54:21,504 - Um... Two great...? - Two great builders. 593 00:54:23,389 --> 00:54:26,108 Paddy Murphy and McAlpines! 594 00:54:26,269 --> 00:54:29,067 That is not the right answer. 595 00:54:29,229 --> 00:54:33,586 We mean classical builders, like Christopher Wren. 596 00:54:33,749 --> 00:54:35,580 (CANNED LAUGHTER) 597 00:54:35,749 --> 00:54:40,539 - Christopher Wren? - Is the correct answer! 598 00:54:40,709 --> 00:54:45,385 All right, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go, Pogue. 599 00:54:45,549 --> 00:54:51,704 Pogue, stand over here. Part three of the second part of the first question. 600 00:54:54,549 --> 00:54:58,542 - Pogue, listen carefully. - I want to sit down. 601 00:54:58,709 --> 00:55:03,499 All right. We'd like you to name two... Listen very carefully. 602 00:55:03,669 --> 00:55:06,137 ...two classical painters. 603 00:55:06,309 --> 00:55:08,584 Um... Oh... 604 00:55:09,629 --> 00:55:11,745 My brain's hurting. 605 00:55:11,909 --> 00:55:17,222 - Shall I give you some clues? - Would you? These ones are wearing out. 606 00:55:19,309 --> 00:55:22,221 I'm sorry you wore them out to this programme. 607 00:55:22,389 --> 00:55:25,187 All right... 608 00:55:25,349 --> 00:55:30,946 Listen carefully. Two classical painters. We're going to give you a clue. 609 00:55:31,109 --> 00:55:35,819 - Ah, Dave Lodge! - You're getting warmer. 610 00:55:35,989 --> 00:55:39,584 - You're very warm. - It's them boobs are doing it! 611 00:55:39,749 --> 00:55:42,821 That is not the right answer. 612 00:55:42,989 --> 00:55:45,822 Watch carefully. Here are your clues. 613 00:55:47,229 --> 00:55:50,983 There's no bloody traffic in here. 614 00:55:51,149 --> 00:55:54,585 Oh! The painter is a policeman! 615 00:55:54,749 --> 00:55:57,468 Constable is the correct answer. 616 00:55:57,629 --> 00:56:01,065 You become the Idiot of the Year. Great big hand. 617 00:56:01,229 --> 00:56:02,628 (CANNED APPLAUSE) 618 00:56:03,109 --> 00:56:07,022 Now, Pogue... Your prize... 619 00:56:07,709 --> 00:56:12,021 You win a free burial at sea with a coffin of your choice, 620 00:56:12,189 --> 00:56:15,261 and I mean that most sincerely, I really do. 621 00:56:16,589 --> 00:56:20,548 Now a word from our wonderful sponsors. 622 00:56:20,709 --> 00:56:25,499 Hello, housewives. Are you having problems with stuffing for your bird? 623 00:56:25,669 --> 00:56:29,059 Don't worry. Here is the ideal stuffing. 624 00:56:31,389 --> 00:56:35,780 Yes, "Stuffed." Go out and get "Stuffed" today. 625 00:56:49,549 --> 00:56:51,744 626 00:56:51,909 --> 00:56:53,388 627 00:56:53,549 --> 00:56:57,337 628 00:56:57,509 --> 00:56:59,500 ( SONG CONTINUES) 629 00:57:04,029 --> 00:57:06,907 ...And shake it till it's dry. 630 00:57:10,989 --> 00:57:14,026 This is a doctor sketch. What do you want? 631 00:57:14,189 --> 00:57:17,101 Doctor, do you have anything for amnesia? 632 00:57:18,469 --> 00:57:20,187 What? 633 00:57:22,069 --> 00:57:24,663 For people with bad memories, here it is again. 634 00:57:24,829 --> 00:57:26,820 Here's what again? 635 00:57:26,989 --> 00:57:29,219 Erm... 636 00:57:29,389 --> 00:57:30,868 Is... 637 00:57:33,429 --> 00:57:36,660 Read all about it! Printers' strike! 638 00:57:36,829 --> 00:57:40,299 Read all about it! Fleet Street printers' strike! 639 00:57:43,189 --> 00:57:46,147 And now, folks, it's Euro-joke time. 640 00:57:46,309 --> 00:57:49,984 Tonight we're doing "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." 641 00:57:50,149 --> 00:57:52,822 Our hostess is Viscountess Boyle. 642 00:57:52,989 --> 00:57:54,786 - England. - English. 643 00:57:54,949 --> 00:57:59,784 - Waiter, waiter. There's a fly in my soup. - Oh, yeah. 644 00:57:59,949 --> 00:58:04,465 Angleterre, trois points. France. 645 00:58:04,629 --> 00:58:08,463 Waiteur, waiteur. Zere is a fly in my soup. 646 00:58:08,629 --> 00:58:12,827 Do not worry. The spider on the bread roll will get him. 647 00:58:12,989 --> 00:58:15,981 (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) 648 00:58:17,669 --> 00:58:22,265 La France, trois points. Deutschland. 649 00:58:22,429 --> 00:58:26,980 Vaiter, vaiter! Dere is a fly in mein zoup! 650 00:58:27,149 --> 00:58:29,140 Jewish swine! 651 00:58:31,189 --> 00:58:33,305 Deutschland... 652 00:58:35,909 --> 00:58:41,063 ...Deutschland, sechs Punkten. Israel. 653 00:58:41,229 --> 00:58:44,107 Vaiter, vaiter. 654 00:58:44,269 --> 00:58:48,740 - Dere's a fly in mein soup. - That'll be a pound extra, sir. 655 00:58:57,749 --> 00:59:02,982 Israel... Israel, shallosh points. Irlande. 656 00:59:03,149 --> 00:59:04,901 - Waiter? - Yes, sir? 657 00:59:05,069 --> 00:59:09,585 - Dere's a fly in my soup. - Don't worry, sir. I'll save him! 658 00:59:20,109 --> 00:59:24,421 (ORGAN GENTLY PLAYS) 659 00:59:31,789 --> 00:59:33,780 Good evening. 660 00:59:33,949 --> 00:59:40,297 For too long has the male clergy rejected women for the cloth. 661 00:59:40,469 --> 00:59:46,260 But this year has seen the acceptance of ladies 662 00:59:46,429 --> 00:59:48,863 into the priesthood. 663 00:59:49,029 --> 00:59:56,299 Of course, many of my parishioners ask me how I like women priests in the church, 664 00:59:56,469 --> 00:59:59,506 and I say, "With big tits." 665 00:59:59,669 --> 01:00:03,218 Good night and God bless you. 666 01:00:03,389 --> 01:00:05,186 Atchoo! 667 01:00:06,909 --> 01:00:10,948 Brilliant. That's absolutely brilliant. 668 01:00:11,109 --> 01:00:14,545 Yes. One has to say though, Spike, 669 01:00:14,709 --> 01:00:19,624 that your comedy does touch upon subjects which are considered taboo. 670 01:00:19,789 --> 01:00:22,098 - What do you say to that? - I say... 671 01:00:22,269 --> 01:00:24,260 (BLOWS LOUD RASPBERRY) 672 01:00:26,629 --> 01:00:29,462 - You called, sir? - Ah, Piles. 673 01:00:29,629 --> 01:00:35,340 Listen. Have I had anything to do with something that is a taboo? 674 01:00:35,509 --> 01:00:39,422 - What's taboo, sir? - That's what I say. What's taboo? 675 01:00:39,589 --> 01:00:42,057 What do you say? 676 01:00:42,229 --> 01:00:45,858 I say let's have a look at an affectionate sketch 677 01:00:46,029 --> 01:00:48,702 about the zoologist David Attenborough. 678 01:00:48,869 --> 01:00:53,181 And I say...run telecine. 679 01:00:56,549 --> 01:01:00,747 (CONTINUOUS CLICKING SOUND ) 680 01:01:08,709 --> 01:01:13,624 Stop that clicking. Stop that clicking. You'll all go blind. 681 01:01:17,149 --> 01:01:20,459 You are all the extraordinary insects 682 01:01:20,629 --> 01:01:25,225 that have come here to be auditioned for David Attenborough. 683 01:01:25,389 --> 01:01:28,108 David is not with us now. 684 01:01:28,269 --> 01:01:33,787 David is away having his legs shaved for the next series. 685 01:01:33,949 --> 01:01:37,259 The next series is called "Hell On Earth", 686 01:01:37,429 --> 01:01:42,503 subtitle "Trapped for 24 Hours In A Lift With Ian Paisley." 687 01:01:43,389 --> 01:01:45,425 - Now then... - (CLICKING) 688 01:01:45,589 --> 01:01:48,740 Stop that clicking! Now then... 689 01:01:53,069 --> 01:01:56,584 - What are you? - I'm a dung beetle. 690 01:01:58,469 --> 01:02:01,779 Of course, you roll your own, don't you? 691 01:02:02,709 --> 01:02:05,985 - Here are my cuttings. - I see. 692 01:02:06,149 --> 01:02:09,778 Played the Clapper in "The Bells." How did that go? 693 01:02:09,949 --> 01:02:12,224 Dung! 694 01:02:12,509 --> 01:02:14,261 Dung! 695 01:02:14,429 --> 01:02:18,741 - (CLICKING) - Stop that clicking! 696 01:02:18,909 --> 01:02:21,946 You 'orrible-looking thing, you. 697 01:02:25,309 --> 01:02:28,824 You looked like you crawled out from under a stone. 698 01:02:28,989 --> 01:02:31,981 What's your name? Bianca Jagger? 699 01:02:36,909 --> 01:02:41,187 No. I'm a stag beetle. 700 01:02:41,349 --> 01:02:45,137 I see. You've just come from a party, have you? 701 01:02:45,309 --> 01:02:47,300 (LAUGHS) 702 01:02:47,989 --> 01:02:50,549 Who said insects had no sense of humour? 703 01:02:50,709 --> 01:02:56,181 - Didn't I see you in the X film? - Yes. That's why I'm an ex-actor. 704 01:02:56,349 --> 01:02:59,182 I was in "The Ten Commandments." 705 01:02:59,349 --> 01:03:03,024 Mine was "Thou shalt not bite Moses up the bum." 706 01:03:03,189 --> 01:03:05,578 Which commandment was it? 707 01:03:05,749 --> 01:03:08,866 That was number 11 - never went on public release. 708 01:03:09,029 --> 01:03:11,827 What I was doing really, me... 709 01:03:14,429 --> 01:03:20,345 Me and the other soldierettes were all crawling up Charlton Heston's legs. 710 01:03:20,509 --> 01:03:23,660 We're told to eat everything in our path. 711 01:03:29,789 --> 01:03:31,507 So... 712 01:03:33,029 --> 01:03:36,419 When we were just getting to the interesting bits, 713 01:03:36,589 --> 01:03:40,946 he said, "Stop! Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods." 714 01:03:41,109 --> 01:03:44,306 - (CLICKING) - Stop that clicking! 715 01:03:44,469 --> 01:03:47,108 Stop that clicking. Stop clicking. 716 01:03:47,269 --> 01:03:52,582 That was the scene where they painted Yul Brynner's nut with treacle 717 01:03:52,749 --> 01:03:56,822 and he had to pretend to be a toffee apple, and he ate him. 718 01:03:56,989 --> 01:03:59,628 Yes, but that was only pretend eating. 719 01:03:59,789 --> 01:04:03,259 Confidentially, I'll tell you... 720 01:04:07,829 --> 01:04:12,983 ...I actually ate... I ate the late Adolf Hitler. 721 01:04:13,149 --> 01:04:16,858 - Late, was he? - Yeah. The trains had been bombed. 722 01:04:17,029 --> 01:04:20,578 You actually ate the old Adolf Hitler, did you? 723 01:04:20,749 --> 01:04:24,219 There's nothing like a nice bit of sauerkraut! 724 01:04:24,389 --> 01:04:26,061 (CLICKING) 725 01:04:26,229 --> 01:04:28,823 What happened was this. 726 01:04:28,989 --> 01:04:31,344 He escaped... 727 01:04:32,389 --> 01:04:37,417 He escaped to South America and we found him shagged out in the jungle. 728 01:04:37,589 --> 01:04:43,300 Is it true you neutralised him by squirting formic acid out of your posterior? 729 01:04:44,269 --> 01:04:48,262 Yes, and it don't 'alf burn your bum in the morning. 730 01:04:48,429 --> 01:04:50,897 (CLICKING) 731 01:04:53,029 --> 01:04:58,820 You owe me £10. I don't think we can top that gag. Let's all click off, shall we? 732 01:05:02,909 --> 01:05:05,901 (NEWSREEL-STYLE MUSIC) 733 01:07:07,669 --> 01:07:11,628 Danny is just about to call on Mrs Rita Martin 734 01:07:11,789 --> 01:07:17,307 who doesn't know she's been chosen to be the lucky guest on tonight's show. 735 01:07:17,469 --> 01:07:22,463 It's lucky time for somebody in downtown Didcot. Are you in, Mrs..... 736 01:07:23,309 --> 01:07:27,860 Mrs Rita Martin, you thought you were emptying your dustbin, 737 01:07:28,029 --> 01:07:30,782 but you have been chosen to play... 738 01:07:30,949 --> 01:07:33,509 "Lose Your Furniture!" 739 01:07:35,269 --> 01:07:38,579 And Rita Mothball is ready to play... 740 01:07:39,949 --> 01:07:42,588 ..."Lose Your Furniture!" 741 01:07:42,749 --> 01:07:46,458 (CHEERING) 742 01:07:46,629 --> 01:07:52,261 Thank you! Wonderful audience. Really wonderful. Best audience we've had tonight! 743 01:07:53,429 --> 01:07:56,944 - You have eight seconds to answer this. - Right. 744 01:07:57,109 --> 01:08:00,897 At the Diet of Worms, which one of Martin Luther's edicts 745 01:08:01,069 --> 01:08:06,541 was later used by Queen Isabella of Spain in the excommunication of the Hapsburgs. 746 01:08:06,709 --> 01:08:10,941 - Terry Wogan? - Wrong! Rita, you have just lost... 747 01:08:11,629 --> 01:08:14,018 ...your sideboard! 748 01:08:14,189 --> 01:08:17,261 (CANNED CHEERING) 749 01:08:27,069 --> 01:08:29,583 Here's question number two. 750 01:08:29,749 --> 01:08:34,823 What was the name of the favourite wife of King Louis XIV of France? 751 01:08:36,789 --> 01:08:39,257 - Crossroads? - Wrong! 752 01:08:39,429 --> 01:08:44,503 Rita, you have just lost your... blue three-piece suite! 753 01:08:45,709 --> 01:08:47,984 (CANNED CHEERING) 754 01:08:51,149 --> 01:08:56,940 Quiet, please. Thank you. You also lost your bath! 755 01:09:00,869 --> 01:09:06,944 Finally, Rita, you have lost the entire contents of your upstairs bedroom! 756 01:09:07,109 --> 01:09:09,543 (CANNED CHEERING) 757 01:09:11,109 --> 01:09:16,058 Round here, my darling. Cool it, now. 758 01:09:16,229 --> 01:09:22,020 You've lost your furniture, carpets, curtains, the tin with the bingo money. 759 01:09:22,189 --> 01:09:26,785 Last question. At the Battle of Waterloo, who said... 760 01:09:26,949 --> 01:09:30,419 - Larry Grayson. - I haven't finished, so I'll start. 761 01:09:30,589 --> 01:09:33,820 "We'll see who pounds longest."? 762 01:09:33,989 --> 01:09:37,425 - The Common Market. - Wrong! 763 01:09:37,589 --> 01:09:40,786 Rita Martin, housewife, confidante of Arnold Palmer, 764 01:09:40,949 --> 01:09:45,784 hockey player by appointment of the Pope, this is your... 765 01:09:47,109 --> 01:09:48,701 ...eviction! 766 01:09:48,869 --> 01:09:52,384 (THEME FROM "THIS IS YOUR LIFE") 767 01:09:57,269 --> 01:10:00,386 Come on, nice little birdies. 768 01:10:00,549 --> 01:10:04,098 Don't be frightened of Granddad, come on. 769 01:10:04,269 --> 01:10:06,260 There. All for you. 770 01:10:32,309 --> 01:10:34,698 Hello. Hello, road. 771 01:10:35,909 --> 01:10:41,267 Tell the lads that the Lloyds cash dispenser is not paying off any more. 772 01:10:48,709 --> 01:10:52,827 (ELECTRONIC BEEPING) 773 01:11:15,669 --> 01:11:18,388 Good evening and knighthoods. 774 01:11:18,549 --> 01:11:23,987 I'm standing inside the hut of the Queen's own Royal Scout Troop. 775 01:11:24,149 --> 01:11:29,462 You're standing inside the hut of the Queen's Royal Scout Troop. 776 01:11:29,629 --> 01:11:32,985 Three cheers for visiting TV celebrity. Hip, hip... 777 01:11:33,149 --> 01:11:35,504 - Hooray. - Hip, hip... 778 01:11:35,669 --> 01:11:39,059 - Hooray. - One more after this. Hip, hip... 779 01:11:39,229 --> 01:11:40,582 Hooray. 780 01:11:40,749 --> 01:11:44,822 A moving tribute and I wish I'd have moved earlier. 781 01:11:44,989 --> 01:11:51,940 - I understand you work for charity. - No. Money. We collect old clothes. 782 01:11:52,109 --> 01:11:55,579 - And what do you do with them? - We wear them. 783 01:11:56,509 --> 01:12:00,661 Now then, Huge, today is the hundredth anniversary 784 01:12:00,829 --> 01:12:03,741 of the death of Max Miller three years ago. 785 01:12:03,909 --> 01:12:08,107 As a tribute to that dirty-joke teller and funny-suit wearer, 786 01:12:08,269 --> 01:12:12,581 we have been collecting old newspapers. 787 01:12:12,749 --> 01:12:16,583 - I see. And what do you do with them? - We burn them. 788 01:12:17,909 --> 01:12:20,423 - Waste? - Yeah. 789 01:12:21,189 --> 01:12:24,943 All right. Do your Max Mill-ian. 790 01:12:29,549 --> 01:12:35,545 - I fell in love with Mary from the dairy. - Splat! 791 01:12:35,709 --> 01:12:40,225 - But Mary wouldn't fall in love with me. - Splat! 792 01:12:40,389 --> 01:12:44,382 - Just one moment... - Just one moment! 793 01:12:44,549 --> 01:12:48,019 - What are the splats? - Those are the cows. 794 01:12:48,189 --> 01:12:52,546 The splats are the cows. I always thought they went moo. 795 01:12:53,749 --> 01:12:55,501 Yeah. 796 01:12:57,509 --> 01:12:59,977 There's a big finish now. 797 01:13:00,149 --> 01:13:06,384 We're going to celebrate the anniversary of that great Yankee golfer Bing Crosby. 798 01:13:06,549 --> 01:13:11,418 We're now going to do our arrangement of his "Bells of St Mary" 799 01:13:11,589 --> 01:13:14,057 with our campanology team. 800 01:13:16,629 --> 01:13:20,702 801 01:13:20,869 --> 01:13:25,306 802 01:13:25,469 --> 01:13:29,064 (CACOPHONY OF BELLS) 803 01:13:32,149 --> 01:13:34,822 (HUMMING) 804 01:13:37,829 --> 01:13:39,899 £8,000! 805 01:13:40,069 --> 01:13:44,620 Yes. Mind you, after I am dead, it will be worth 'alf a million. 806 01:13:48,749 --> 01:13:52,344 Why did I marry below my station? 807 01:13:52,509 --> 01:13:57,458 Me? Sixth in line to the throne and India! 808 01:13:57,629 --> 01:14:01,065 Married to an unemployed shepherd's help. 809 01:14:01,229 --> 01:14:05,063 Look. I'm dressed for dancing. 810 01:14:05,229 --> 01:14:08,744 Why don't you take me to the royal balls? 811 01:14:08,909 --> 01:14:12,788 A commoner is not allowed to see the royal balls. 812 01:14:12,949 --> 01:14:18,467 Nobody would recognise you. All the royals have masked balls. 813 01:14:18,629 --> 01:14:23,384 Oh, why? Why? Why? 814 01:14:30,749 --> 01:14:36,619 Darien TV - possibly the best picture of all time. 815 01:14:38,869 --> 01:14:41,224 (CACOPHONY OF BELLS) 816 01:14:50,149 --> 01:14:54,028 Mrs Whitehouse, your glasses will be ready in a week. 817 01:14:54,189 --> 01:14:56,180 Thank you, Doctor. 818 01:14:56,789 --> 01:14:58,780 Next, please! 819 01:14:58,949 --> 01:15:01,782 820 01:15:03,429 --> 01:15:05,420 Next, please! 821 01:15:06,309 --> 01:15:11,827 Oh, I see. Is this National Health or private? 822 01:15:11,989 --> 01:15:15,220 - It's very private. - I see. 823 01:15:15,389 --> 01:15:19,382 - What appears to be ze trouble? - I keep thinking I'm a dwarf. 824 01:15:19,549 --> 01:15:22,586 I see. Go behind the screen and change. 825 01:15:22,749 --> 01:15:27,459 Many people thinking they are dwarves. It's a common complaint. 826 01:15:27,629 --> 01:15:31,178 Normally it's due to an inferiority complex. 827 01:15:34,909 --> 01:15:37,981 - Smile. - (CAMERA CLICKS) 828 01:15:38,149 --> 01:15:40,868 Thank you, sailor. Now get dressed. 829 01:15:49,069 --> 01:15:55,941 Yes. I can see no evidence of dwarfism in you. I think it is all in ze mind. 830 01:15:56,109 --> 01:15:58,782 I can't tell you how relieved I am, Doctor. 831 01:15:58,949 --> 01:16:04,387 Good. I will show you another place to be relieved. 832 01:16:08,989 --> 01:16:12,459 (THEATRICAL WHEEZING) 833 01:16:18,429 --> 01:16:25,028 Sorry about that, Doctor. I get out of breath whenever I have sex. 834 01:16:25,189 --> 01:16:28,420 Really? What time did you have it? 835 01:16:28,589 --> 01:16:30,705 1923. 836 01:16:31,869 --> 01:16:34,667 - Did you bring your medical report? - Yes. 837 01:16:41,309 --> 01:16:43,869 It was tied up by a man called Barry. 838 01:16:44,029 --> 01:16:49,786 There's every disease under the sun here... and three under the moon. 839 01:16:49,949 --> 01:16:54,227 I do not stint myself. I have all the major skin diseases - 840 01:16:54,389 --> 01:16:59,907 scorfuflas, mange - and when I get grottage, I'll have the full kit. 841 01:17:00,069 --> 01:17:03,106 Did you know you had acute halitosis? 842 01:17:03,269 --> 01:17:05,578 That's very nice of you. 843 01:17:05,749 --> 01:17:08,741 (BOTH IMITATE COMEDY TROMBONE) 844 01:17:09,509 --> 01:17:15,266 I think the situation would best be served now if we looked at your teeth. 845 01:17:15,709 --> 01:17:17,700 (SQUELCH) 846 01:17:21,149 --> 01:17:24,346 Are these teeth comfortable? 847 01:17:24,509 --> 01:17:28,582 (SPIKE SINGS INCOHERENTLY) 848 01:17:28,749 --> 01:17:32,742 Yes. Why have your glasses got no lenses in them? 849 01:17:32,909 --> 01:17:36,060 Because I have perfect eyesight. 850 01:17:36,229 --> 01:17:38,697 Read this bill, please. 851 01:17:39,989 --> 01:17:42,219 - £60. - Splendid. 852 01:17:42,389 --> 01:17:45,938 I think your glasses had better be boarded up. 853 01:17:47,309 --> 01:17:51,427 - Just to be on the safe side. - Much better. 854 01:17:51,589 --> 01:17:55,741 - Have you brought your specimen with you? - Yes, I did. 855 01:18:00,189 --> 01:18:03,545 I drink a lot of pond water. 856 01:18:03,709 --> 01:18:08,464 I think we'd better have a look at your wallet now. 857 01:18:09,949 --> 01:18:12,986 Good. Come on. Open. 858 01:18:15,269 --> 01:18:18,545 Open wide. Wide. Wide. 859 01:18:18,709 --> 01:18:22,019 - (CREAKING) - Wider. Wider. 860 01:18:22,189 --> 01:18:25,864 861 01:18:26,029 --> 01:18:31,581 Yes. I think this pound note will have to come out now. 862 01:18:31,749 --> 01:18:33,546 Aargh! 863 01:18:33,709 --> 01:18:37,668 Write out a cheque for £99, please. 864 01:18:37,829 --> 01:18:39,660 99. 865 01:18:40,469 --> 01:18:42,664 - And again. - 99. 866 01:18:42,829 --> 01:18:46,822 - Very good. - Is it serious? 867 01:18:46,989 --> 01:18:51,540 - It is very serious, Mr Tangible. - What is it? 868 01:18:51,709 --> 01:18:57,067 I don't know how to break this to you, but you have got a toupee. 869 01:18:57,229 --> 01:19:00,778 - (DRAMATIC MUSIC) - A very bad toupee. 870 01:19:00,949 --> 01:19:05,500 A toupee. Tell me it's not true. 871 01:19:05,669 --> 01:19:08,502 (DOCTOR LAUGHS) 872 01:19:20,309 --> 01:19:22,300 (ALL LAUGH) 873 01:19:57,309 --> 01:20:00,460 - That's sheer genius. - Marvellous. 874 01:20:00,629 --> 01:20:07,023 Well, Spike, that's it. Thank you for being a part of this special programme. 875 01:20:07,189 --> 01:20:08,861 Thank you. 876 01:20:54,469 --> 01:20:59,748 That must be the end. Let me check if I've got it. 877 01:21:06,469 --> 01:21:09,700 Good. Got it.